


The One with the Baby on the Bus

by southsidewrites



Series: The Southside Serpents as F.R.I.E.N.D.S. [3]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Bonding, Bromance, Brotp, Comedy, Cute, Fluff, Friends AU, Friendship, Funny, Future Fic, Gen, Humor, Parent Bughead, southside serpents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 15:11:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14673732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/southsidewrites/pseuds/southsidewrites
Summary: Hi-jinks ensue when Jughead entrusts Sweet Pea and Fangs to babysit his infant son.  What could possibly go wrong when the pair start talking to pretty women on the bus?Based on episode 2x06 of Friends: The One with the Baby on the Bus; A One-Shot in The Southside Serpents as F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Anthology





	The One with the Baby on the Bus

“I swear to God, you guys, if you fuck this up, Betty will never forgive me.”

“Let’s pause for a moment and define  _fuck this up_ ,” Fangs said, glancing down at the baby sleeping in the carrier at his friend’s feet. “Like, are we talking feed him ten minutes late, or is it more of a sudden infant death syndrome sort of thing?”

Mouth agape, Sweet Pea shoved the shorter Serpent. “Shut the fuck up, dumbass.”

Jughead’s eyes were wide, and he glanced back down at his baby. “I see why Betty had her reservations.” He held their gaze, looking between the two men with a stern look. “Let’s just put it this way.  If I get my child back in any visibly worsened condition, Betty will see to it that neither of you ever get the opportunity to have kids of your own.” Shaking his head, he sighed. “Just get the kid back to me in one piece. It’s one night, and Toni is on-call when you two morons inevitably screw up.”

“I resent that,” Sweet Pea said, unable to pull his eyes away from the tiny little person bundled in a blue blanket at his feet. “Like, we ran a gang back in our day, man.  We can handle keeping a kid alive and well for twenty-four hours.”

Jughead was still shaking his head, clearly questioning his choices. “Like I said, Betty in mama-bear mode is scarier than any Ghoulie, Black Hood, or Penny Peabody put together.”

Fangs scoffed. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.  You go enjoy your night out.  We’ve got him.”

Slowly, Jughead handed over the massive diaper bag with everything they would need for the night.  Then, he crouched down next to the baby carrier and placed a soft kiss on the sleeping baby’s forehead. “Love you, little man.  Be nice for Uncle Fangs and Uncle Sweet Pea.”

“Uncle Sweet Pea?” Sweet Pea asked, picking up the baby carrier and grabbing the foldable stroller. “That’s way too cute.”

“Cute name for a cute guy,” Fangs teased, shouldering the heavy diaper bag. “Let’s get out of here before Jughead changes his mind.”

With a final wave to their nervous friend, Fangs and Sweet Pea set off.  Having moved to New York after high school, the two had decided to move into an apartment together not far from Betty and Jughead.  Since it wasn’t a long walk, and it was a nice day, they decided to undertake their first test as babysitters: setting up the stroller for the walk home.

“No, you idiot, it needs to lock into place.”

“It is locked into place, dumbass.  The click you heard wasn’t just for aesthetic.”

“Then why is this bar so wobbly?”

“Because we need to put the car seat thingy in there to lock it down.”

“Maybe we need to lock your face into the ground.”

“Maybe we need to lock  _your_  face into the ground.”

“Maybe I’ll—”

“Hey there, you guys need some help?” A petite blonde woman with long hair and a pretty smile had stopped to look down at them.  She had a baby wrapped against her chest in a carrier, and it was clear that she was a pro at the whole baby thing.

Fangs’ face cracked into his most charming smile, and he stood up, running his hand through his hair to tame it. “Hey there, I’m Fangs.”

She chuckled and shook his hand. “Molly.”

“And I’m Sweet Pea,” Sweet Pea added, standing up to his full height and attempting to step in front of Fangs.

She smiled sweetly. “Good to meet you both.  This is Aiden.  What’s this little guy’s name?”

Confused, the two men looked at each other, and then down at the baby.

“Oh yeah, him,” Fangs laughed, trying to pretend he hadn’t just forgotten the child entirely. “This is Ben.”

“Well hi there, Ben.” She crouched to the ground and started playing with his little fingers.  The baby cooed happily, waving his arms with excitement.  Then, she took a look at the stroller, flipped a little latch, and then stood up with a wide smile. “You guys just didn’t have the safety lock in place. Probably would have been fine, but I’m glad I caught it.”

“Well thank you so much,” Sweet Pea said, running his hand through his hair in the way he knew showed off his biceps. “Really, thanks.”

“Anytime. I know how hard it can be—he’s your first, right?”

Sweet Pea’s eyes widened in shock, and he looked to see Fangs’ expression mirroring his. “Wait, what?”

“Your first kid—you guys have that classic look of confused parents bickering over the silly stuff.  Don’t worry—my husband and I got past it within the first few months.  It really does get easier.” She readjusted her hold on her baby, checked her watch, and then gave them a final smile. “Good to meet you both, and good luck!”

Both men stood in shocked silence until she was out of earshot.  Then, Fangs rounded on Sweet Pea.

“She thought we were together!”

“I’m aware, moron.” Sweet Pea snapped back. “Why on Earth would she think I would have a kid with you?”

“Why wouldn’t you have a kid with me?” he demanded. “I’d be a great dad.”

Sweet Pea shook his head, his expression dumbfounded. “Maybe because I’m into women?”

Fangs shrugged. “Fair point—I’d totally have a kid with you, though.  I think the two of us would have a really good fatherly dynamic blend between my caring, tender demeanor and your aggressive and strict attitude.”

“How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Hey man, we’re getting old quick, and I’d like to have kids someday.  I’d happily settle for you if I hit thirty or so.”

Sweet Pea hadn’t stopped shaking his head, his eyebrows furrowed in pissed-off confusion. “What about the fact that I’m straight?”

“Eh, a slow-down for sure, but not the end of the world.”

“Whatever man, let’s just get this kid in the stroller and get home.  I need a drink or four.”

* * *

“C’mon, dude, Toni’s cooking—let’s just go,” Fangs whined, pacing around the apartment with Ben nestled sleepily in his arms. “I’m hungry as heck, and there’s no way I can cook when this kid keeps crying if I put him down.”

Sweet Pea glared up at his best friend. “Okay, yeah, subtly remind me that he cries every time I touch him.”

“That’s not my intention, Sweet Pea,” Fangs replied exasperatedly. “I’m just saying—you suck at cooking and baby-holding, and I can’t do both.  Toni invited us over for dinner.  It’s a win-win scenario.”

“Aside from packing up all the crap the kid needs to go across town.” He waved his arm over the explosion of toys, diapers, bottles, and other baby things that had filled their apartment. “Sounds like a lot of work.”

“You’re insufferable.  Either you hold the baby and I pack, or I hold the baby and you pack.  No third option.”

“Fine.” With a groan, Sweet Pea hauled himself off the couch and started walking around the room picking things up.  Within minutes, he had it all packed semi-neatly, and they set off to catch the bus.

* * *

Almost as soon as the bus rumbled onto the street, Ben started crying.

“Oh no, none of that, kid,” Fangs murmured, scooping up the bundled baby and lifting him onto his lap. “We need to stay quiet for all the nice people on the bus, okay buddy?”

The baby fixed his blue eyes on Fangs as if agreeing, and Sweet Pea couldn’t help but smile. “You really do have a way with him.”

“Oh my gosh, it that your baby?” a woman asked, her green eyes sparkling.  She was tall, thin, and brunette, flanked by a shorter, curvier blonde friend with messy curls and blue eyes.  Both men immediately sat up straighter.

“No!”

“Babysitting!”

They answered in unison, and the women laughed, taking the seats across from them.

“Well, he’s super cute,” the brunette said, reaching over to play with his tiny fingers. “I’m Vanessa, by the way.”

“Sweet Pea,” Sweet Pea said, butting in to shake her hand. “And this is Fangs.”

The blonde gave them a skeptical look. “Sweet Pea and Fangs?  And here I thought being named Genevieve was weird.”

Vanessa scoffed. “As if—you’ve gone by Jen your whole life.”

Fangs smiled at the blonde, him and Sweet Pea having silently decided who they were more into.  After years of playing wingman for each other, they had it down to a science who would go for who when they met girls in groups of two.

“Well it’s a pleasure to meet you ladies,” Fangs said, allowing them both to fuss over a very smiley Ben who seemed thrilled by the attention.  

They passed the rest of the bus ride in casual conversation, talking about how they ended up playing babysitter and how both of them were still very much single, but absolutely the nurturing, fatherly type.  Somewhere along the way, Fangs put Ben back in his carrier for the rest of the ride.     By the time they got off the bus, both Fangs and Sweet Pea were feeling very confident in their ability to get some numbers.

“So you are available for drinks tonight?” Sweet Pea asked, grinning as Vanessa put her number in his phone. “’Cause we are after dinner.  We just need to leave Ben with—” His eyes shot open, and his arm shot out to smack Fangs. “Fangs, where’s Ben?”

Fangs’ jaw dropped as he looked up to see their bus rolling away, the baby carrier nowhere in sight. “Oh fuck.” Without a word, he took off at a sprint toward the bus, leaving the three others standing there confused.

“Really, you lost the baby?” Jen asked, making a less-than-amused face. “That’s pretty damn bad.”

“Thanks for the heads-up,” Sweet Pea replied, his voice laden with sarcasm.  He had taken back his phone to quickly Google the bus company and how to get in touch with them.  As the page loaded, he looked up to see Fangs limping back over to them, gripping his side as he panted.

“I couldn’t get it,” he gasped. “It was just too—”

Shaking his head, Sweet Pea hit dial and lifted his phone to his ear. “Too fast? Yeah, I could have told you that one, man.”

Rolling their eyes, Vanessa and Jen walked away, wishing they had never even given these two losers their numbers.

Fangs was still panting, shrugging off his heavy leather coat and dropping into a crouch, clutching his head tightly. “We are such fuck-ups.  Betty and Jughead are going to torture us, kill us, and resurrect us just to kill us again with more torture.”

Sweet Pea shook his head, answering the auto-prompts as he tried to get the right operator on the line.  Finally, he started frantically gesturing as someone picked up. “Hello?  Transit Authority?  Yes, hello.  I—um—you see, I’m doing research for a—a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus?” He paused, nodding pensively. “Yes, I do realize that would be a very stupid character, but—”

Fangs ripped the phone out of his hand. “Hi, here’s the deal.  We lot a car seat on a bus today.  It’s white plastic, with a handle, and it fits really nicely into a stupidly hard to set up stroller.  Oh, and there’s a baby in it.” He paused, cringing at the operator’s response. Then, he handed the phone back to Sweet Pea. “He wants to talk to you again.”

Rolling his eyes, Sweet Pea took the phone back. “So you do have him?  Blue blanket, blonde hair, blue eyes?  Yup, a red sweatshirt.  Excellent.  We’ll be there soon.” He hung up and glared at his friend. “Let’s go.  And don’t you dare so much as text Toni about us being late.”

“You got it, dude.”

* * *

Sweet Pea and Fangs scrambled into the transit authority building, nearly tripping over their feet as they hurried in.

“We’re the dumbasses who called about the baby,” Fangs burst out. “Is he here?  Is he okay?”

The man behind the desk, an older man who looked something like a slightly angrier Pop Tate gave them a skeptical look. “He’s here.”

Both men exhaled with relief, and Fangs yanked Sweet Pea into a tight hug. “Oh thank god.”

“I assume one of you is the father, correct?”

“Yes.”

“That’s me.”

They answered in unison, and the man’s eyes narrowed further.

“Actually, we are—um—both the father,” Sweet Pea replied, putting on his most charming smile and wrapping his arm around Fangs. “As in, we’re together.”

Fangs put on his biggest grin and held Sweet Pea even closer. “That’s us—fathers, together, of a young, blond baby.  Kind of like when suburban white couples adopt little African kids.”

Sweet Pea gave him a look that screamed  _what the fuck, dumbass?_ Then, he slid out of his grasp and walked to the desk. “Really, though, can we take him?”

“Yeah.” The man pointed them toward the nursery. “In the crib.”

They rushed into the nursery and immediately ran to different cribs. “Ben!”

Each grabbing a baby, they turned to face each other.  When each saw the other one holding an almost-identical baby, their jaws dropped.  Both babies were blond, with blue eyes, red sweatshirts, and tiny jeans.

“Oh no.”

“Please tell me you know which one is ours,” Sweet Pea said, looking from one kid to another in absolute confusion.

“Well, that one has ducks on his shirt, and this one has clowns.” He narrowed his eyes, deep in thought. “Ben was definitely wearing ducks.”

“Okay, okay.” Sweet Pea nodded, readjusting his grip on the duck-wearing baby in his arms. “But wait, he’s not crying—Ben always cries when I hold him.”

“Shit, yeah, you’re right.  Here, switch.” They switched babies and waited, their eyes locked on the clown-wearing baby.

Sweet Pea stood there for a moment, staring down at the baby as if willing him to cry. “He’s not crying.”

“Switch back, and we’ll see if this one cries.” They swapped again, and again, nothing.

“Well shit, what do we do now?”

“Um, how about we flip for it.  Ducks or clowns,” Fangs offered, already fishing the coin out of his pocket.

Sweet Pea gave him yet another dumbfounded look. “Are you seriously suggesting we flip a coin to determine which baby we take home.  If you get this wrong, we will literally be kidnapping someone’s child.”

“That’s a risk I’m willing to take.” He set the baby back in the crib and held up the coin. “Heads or tails?”

Shaking his head, Sweet Pea sighed with resignation. “Heads.”

Fangs flipped the coin, smiling wide at the result. “Heads it is!”

“But wait, we never assigned heads to a certain baby.” Sweet Pea was still holding the duck-wearing baby who was now playing happily with his dog tags. “Heads means literally nothing.”

“Well, um—how about ducks are heads because ducks have heads.” He smiled, nodding proudly.

Sweet Pea’s jaw fell open, and he was once-again shaking his head with disappointment. “What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday parties?”

* * *

“Sorry guys,” Jughead said, shaking his head as he and Betty walked through the door of the messy apartment. “If I knew that  _someone_  was going to cancel our overnight, I’d have just paid a sitter.”

Betty rolled her eyes, picking up the baby and greeting him cheerfully. “I’m sorry I didn’t like the idea of my first night away from this little cutie pie.  Hey baby, Mommy missed you.”

The baby cooed happily, and Sweet Pea and Fangs both exhaled silent sighs of relief. It seemed they had, in fact, picked the right baby.

Jughead’s gaze flipped between the two of them. “Why are you guys being so shady?”

“No reason,” Fangs answered too quickly. “No reason at all—just glad to get this little guy off our hands.”

Betty gave him a confused look. “Looks like someone needs a change.  So what did you do today, Ben?” he asked, pulling off his pants to get to his diaper.

Sweet Pea smiled, leaning on the counter to grab a soda out of the fridge. “Well, he got to ride the bus.”

“Oh did you, Ben?” she cooed. “What a big boy you are!” Suddenly, she pulled back, her eyes narrowing.  Her voice was deathly cold. “Sweet Pea, Fangs, would you mind explaining why my baby is wearing a diaper that says  _New York City Human Services_  on it?”

Jughead’s eyes narrowed and got off the couch to walk towards them. “What in the hell did you two do?”

Sweet Pea and Fangs met each other’s terrified gaze.

“Fangs, run.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! If you enjoyed this, please check out the other one-shots in my Southside Serpents as F.R.I.E.N.D.S. series.


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